Wendsday, January 20th, 2010

It's funny how fast these resolution's go out the window. I'm determined not to this one go, not at all. As I just lay in bed, turning with anticipation and anxiety over tomorrow's interrogation, I realized that it was this blog that kept me sleeping sound last week, and this blog that helped me stay on track with eating correctly.

I am tired, but I am determined. Tommorow is my faculty interview for the Boren, and even though I promised I would just go through the motions on this one, I still feel pressured to make a good showing. Everyone at Merit Awards has such confidence in me, why can't I? Why do I feel like tomorrow I am going to not know anything. Do I even want to spend a year in Jordan? I have nothing to run from here, my life is awesome. Why am I even doing this? I guess I thought that since it was never a possibility that I would actually win this that it would be fun just to apply for. Now what? Here I am actually nervous, thinking that tomorrow I could walk away with great remarks from a distinguished scholar on the Middle East, Kristin Diwan, with her Harvard PhD and vast knowledge. In High School, I never dreamed I would be attempting something this ambitious. HELL, in High School I didn't know this kind of ambition existed. The world, the future, the potential of my life never felt so close and tangible, like something that if I just worked for could come true. This whole experience has been unbelievable, and unbelievably stressful. To top it all off, I put in my application for an OXFORD UNIVERSITY vising studentship today. Wild. What am I thinking? Am I thinking?

No, I am not. Actually, I think I have just been throwing myself into untested waters and seeing how I fare. Something in me feels like I have something to prove to every person that's ever thought the were better or smarter than me, or every person that was. I know no matter what, I there will always be someone smarter, and no matter what, always someone worse off. After this is all over, I think I am going to have some time to reflect. Finding peace is the goal of this semester. Health, peace,confidence, fun. Find joy in my classes.

God, I was walking up the stairs of McKinley today and I literally stopped. I just stopped and realized that I was in the middle of Washington, DC walking up marble steps to an office where I was going to discuss a national scholarship, that I was carrying books in a shoulder bag, holding coffee, and felt a voice inside my head say "THIS IS IT! THIS IS EXACTLY IT! WHERE IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!" The moment was beautiful and joyful, I felt unbelievable. Remembering that moment now, in this stream of consciousness, feels great. It brings me back to the essence of the matter: I need to remember, like I have been telling myself all along, this Boren thing dosen't matter. These extra things do not matter. No matter what the life I am living now is incredibly privileged, incredibly fun, and deserves no amount of negative thought devoted to it. I struggled with realizing this in the trenches of stress, overworking, overachiever the last few semesters, and now I am starting to see a light at the horizon of my thoughts.

It is time for me to marry the quest for peace of mind to body and soul. Over the weekend I found myself eating pizza, drinking beer, and ignoring. Just ignoring. At night I have found it hard to keep myself searching out some kind of food, but have kept only healthy things in the room for when these urges come and if I am to give, what my late night hunger will make its victim.

On today:

I worked out, and it was good. Going again on Friday, and maybe hanging out with Leo that night. My weight is still 262, down 10 from a few days before Christmas. That is good, however, it has stayed constant for a week. My goal is to always see at least a single .1 drop each time I step on the scale, no matter what. Next Friday I would like to be in the 257-259 range. Keeping this goal in mind will help me eat over the weekend, especially because I am going over Kristen's on Saturday night and celebrating one of her roommate's birthdays with cake and cookies.

I also had a guitar lesson today, it was great. I learned "all of western music," or the major scale down the neck, and got some of the long standing form problems I have perpetuated corrected. This could be great, taking lessons again. Maybe now I won't feel so embarrassed to call Ed Willey and jam. I feel bad letting my old guitar teacher lose touch, especially because music means so damn much to me. I actually feel really badly about this. Weird.

Finally: What I ate. I did okay. Not great.

Up at 7, worked out 9-10.
10:30 meeting for Oxford, app in.
11:20-Lunch
serving of no-cheese eggs, small amount of hash browns, and some salad and a 1/2 a whole wheat roll.
Nothing until 7:30. Dinner:
ate diet coke, small amount of weird past, salad w/ little ceaser dressing and some feta and veggies. piece of chicken. tried some of the other vegiatrian stuff. no bueno. had some of the roast beef they had out. The cabbage was discussing they put out, but I tried it.

No I am hungry again, but will sleep, and wake up at around 7.

Saalam.

Ryan