It's funny how fast these resolution's go out the window. I'm determined not to this one go, not at all. As I just lay in bed, turning with anticipation and anxiety over tomorrow's interrogation, I realized that it was this blog that kept me sleeping sound last week, and this blog that helped me stay on track with eating correctly.
I am tired, but I am determined. Tommorow is my faculty interview for the Boren, and even though I promised I would just go through the motions on this one, I still feel pressured to make a good showing. Everyone at Merit Awards has such confidence in me, why can't I? Why do I feel like tomorrow I am going to not know anything. Do I even want to spend a year in Jordan? I have nothing to run from here, my life is awesome. Why am I even doing this? I guess I thought that since it was never a possibility that I would actually win this that it would be fun just to apply for. Now what? Here I am actually nervous, thinking that tomorrow I could walk away with great remarks from a distinguished scholar on the Middle East, Kristin Diwan, with her Harvard PhD and vast knowledge. In High School, I never dreamed I would be attempting something this ambitious. HELL, in High School I didn't know this kind of ambition existed. The world, the future, the potential of my life never felt so close and tangible, like something that if I just worked for could come true. This whole experience has been unbelievable, and unbelievably stressful. To top it all off, I put in my application for an OXFORD UNIVERSITY vising studentship today. Wild. What am I thinking? Am I thinking?
No, I am not. Actually, I think I have just been throwing myself into untested waters and seeing how I fare. Something in me feels like I have something to prove to every person that's ever thought the were better or smarter than me, or every person that was. I know no matter what, I there will always be someone smarter, and no matter what, always someone worse off. After this is all over, I think I am going to have some time to reflect. Finding peace is the goal of this semester. Health, peace,confidence, fun. Find joy in my classes.
God, I was walking up the stairs of McKinley today and I literally stopped. I just stopped and realized that I was in the middle of Washington, DC walking up marble steps to an office where I was going to discuss a national scholarship, that I was carrying books in a shoulder bag, holding coffee, and felt a voice inside my head say "THIS IS IT! THIS IS EXACTLY IT! WHERE IVE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE!" The moment was beautiful and joyful, I felt unbelievable. Remembering that moment now, in this stream of consciousness, feels great. It brings me back to the essence of the matter: I need to remember, like I have been telling myself all along, this Boren thing dosen't matter. These extra things do not matter. No matter what the life I am living now is incredibly privileged, incredibly fun, and deserves no amount of negative thought devoted to it. I struggled with realizing this in the trenches of stress, overworking, overachiever the last few semesters, and now I am starting to see a light at the horizon of my thoughts.
It is time for me to marry the quest for peace of mind to body and soul. Over the weekend I found myself eating pizza, drinking beer, and ignoring. Just ignoring. At night I have found it hard to keep myself searching out some kind of food, but have kept only healthy things in the room for when these urges come and if I am to give, what my late night hunger will make its victim.
On today:
I worked out, and it was good. Going again on Friday, and maybe hanging out with Leo that night. My weight is still 262, down 10 from a few days before Christmas. That is good, however, it has stayed constant for a week. My goal is to always see at least a single .1 drop each time I step on the scale, no matter what. Next Friday I would like to be in the 257-259 range. Keeping this goal in mind will help me eat over the weekend, especially because I am going over Kristen's on Saturday night and celebrating one of her roommate's birthdays with cake and cookies.
I also had a guitar lesson today, it was great. I learned "all of western music," or the major scale down the neck, and got some of the long standing form problems I have perpetuated corrected. This could be great, taking lessons again. Maybe now I won't feel so embarrassed to call Ed Willey and jam. I feel bad letting my old guitar teacher lose touch, especially because music means so damn much to me. I actually feel really badly about this. Weird.
Finally: What I ate. I did okay. Not great.
Up at 7, worked out 9-10.
10:30 meeting for Oxford, app in.
11:20-Lunch
serving of no-cheese eggs, small amount of hash browns, and some salad and a 1/2 a whole wheat roll.
Nothing until 7:30. Dinner:
ate diet coke, small amount of weird past, salad w/ little ceaser dressing and some feta and veggies. piece of chicken. tried some of the other vegiatrian stuff. no bueno. had some of the roast beef they had out. The cabbage was discussing they put out, but I tried it.
No I am hungry again, but will sleep, and wake up at around 7.
Saalam.
Ryan
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Wendsday, January 13th, 2010
Real tired, a lot happened today. Gym at 8:30, after going to bed around 5am. Working on Boren, and now I'm really excited about finishing the Boren and maybe actually getting the Boren. Wild prospect, i'll try not to let my mind wander. Took a few short naps, but am super beat right now. Meet with a counselor today, talk about a lot of deep things, seems like its going to help on getting making these lifestyle changes. Ate okay today, but like last night, I ended up eating oatmeal before I went to bed. Need to not nap and good to bed earlier so that I don't end up eating these carbs before I go to bed. Isn't helping anything.
The list:
Up at 7, worked out, ate breakfast round 9:30ish
1 ladle of scrambled eggs, no cheese
3/4 cup cottage cheese
some grapes, tbspn of jelly
one piece of wheat toast, buttered lightly
water to drink
Nothing until 5pm, had two tiny turkey sandwich halves at the Boren meeting, some diet coke too
Afterwards had a protein bar, can't remember the name, thought it would hold me over till tom morning but didn't. i remember it had 10g protein, 20ish carb, and 180 calories.
I ended up eating two and 1/2 packets of oatmeal, with a dab of canned milk and splenda a half hour ago. Bad news.
sleep
The list:
Up at 7, worked out, ate breakfast round 9:30ish
1 ladle of scrambled eggs, no cheese
3/4 cup cottage cheese
some grapes, tbspn of jelly
one piece of wheat toast, buttered lightly
water to drink
Nothing until 5pm, had two tiny turkey sandwich halves at the Boren meeting, some diet coke too
Afterwards had a protein bar, can't remember the name, thought it would hold me over till tom morning but didn't. i remember it had 10g protein, 20ish carb, and 180 calories.
I ended up eating two and 1/2 packets of oatmeal, with a dab of canned milk and splenda a half hour ago. Bad news.
sleep
Monday, January 11, 2010
Monday, January 11th, 2010
Today is the formal start of this blog project--the first day of class, the beginning of the semester. For the next four months I will be on mission to bring my life back to center, and it feels to good to see light on the horizon. I feel absolutely terrific today, about college, life, everything. My diet, my emotions, my habits, my tendencies, my flaws, as well as my strengths and good habits, are going to be reviewed. Today is the start of something great.
How this blog plays in: I will be posting on this blog daily, listing what I ate during the day and my reflections on how the day went. Both bad and good will be listed, nothing hidden. Identifying the times I've given into impulses, or returned to prior bad habits is important, because if forgotten, they will find a way to perpetuate themselves through my subconscious. This posts aren't going to be edited, or reviewed, just ungrammatical streams of conscious style--pure. So, here goes.
Food:
Up at 7:45-8am
Coffee with evaporated milk and splenda
Nothing until 3:30pm
-Three small pieces/portions of grilled chicken
-Salad w/ 2 tbsp of Balsamic Vinegar, Chick Peas, Crasins, Spinach leaves, carrot shreds, some shredded cheese, and some cucumbers.
-A bread roll (THIS IS BAD, AND I GRABBED IT ON MY WAY OUT. THIS WON'T HAPPEN TOMORROW)
It's now 9:16, and i'll probably be up till around 11-12 so I think I am going to have some oatmeal now so that I don't get hungry again and snack later, just before I go to bed.
All and all, I did really well, but could have done better. Two pieces of chicken, and the salad, and no bun would have been better than letting my hungry stomache make my mind think I needed three. Since it was grilled white chicken in small pieces, not so bad, but if it were something worse for me that was my option, it could have been bad and taken me longer to work off.
Tomorrow I am getting up around 7:30am-8am and spending the day working on my Boren Scholarship. Going to make a nutritionist appointment as well,
How this blog plays in: I will be posting on this blog daily, listing what I ate during the day and my reflections on how the day went. Both bad and good will be listed, nothing hidden. Identifying the times I've given into impulses, or returned to prior bad habits is important, because if forgotten, they will find a way to perpetuate themselves through my subconscious. This posts aren't going to be edited, or reviewed, just ungrammatical streams of conscious style--pure. So, here goes.
Food:
Up at 7:45-8am
Coffee with evaporated milk and splenda
Nothing until 3:30pm
-Three small pieces/portions of grilled chicken
-Salad w/ 2 tbsp of Balsamic Vinegar, Chick Peas, Crasins, Spinach leaves, carrot shreds, some shredded cheese, and some cucumbers.
-A bread roll (THIS IS BAD, AND I GRABBED IT ON MY WAY OUT. THIS WON'T HAPPEN TOMORROW)
It's now 9:16, and i'll probably be up till around 11-12 so I think I am going to have some oatmeal now so that I don't get hungry again and snack later, just before I go to bed.
All and all, I did really well, but could have done better. Two pieces of chicken, and the salad, and no bun would have been better than letting my hungry stomache make my mind think I needed three. Since it was grilled white chicken in small pieces, not so bad, but if it were something worse for me that was my option, it could have been bad and taken me longer to work off.
Tomorrow I am getting up around 7:30am-8am and spending the day working on my Boren Scholarship. Going to make a nutritionist appointment as well,
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
Today went great! My Endocrinologist appointment revealed that I have mild hypothyroidism, and am now on medication to correct it. This coupled with a change in my eating and exercise habits could mean a serious change in my health, and my life. I got up early 9:30ish , but took a two-hour nap in the middle of the day. I still have not completed my essays, but I did schedule my first Bodysmith appointment with Leo, order my books, and come up with a way to schedule my week once I get back to school.
As for today in food:
I had an apple (100 calories) waiting for pop to get out the door for my doctors appointment around 9:45am. After my appointment, around noon, I had a low-carb/fab muscle milk (160 calories). Provided a nice boost, quelled my hunger. At home, around 1pm, I made a Salad with romaine, some carrots, and 2tbs of fat-free Italian (20 calories) and ate it with can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup (240 calories). A cup of coffee with cream and splenda (80-100 calories) -also had a half a cup in the morning, not even sure if I finished this one either. For dinner, around 8pm, I had a piece in a half of whiting fish (110 calories) and two helpings of mixed vegetables. My goal is to eat no more after this, only having some diet soda and water. I want to start weening off diet soda, and get away from craving sweet things.
Total Calorie Count: 1000-1200 calories
Physical Activity: None
As for today in food:
I had an apple (100 calories) waiting for pop to get out the door for my doctors appointment around 9:45am. After my appointment, around noon, I had a low-carb/fab muscle milk (160 calories). Provided a nice boost, quelled my hunger. At home, around 1pm, I made a Salad with romaine, some carrots, and 2tbs of fat-free Italian (20 calories) and ate it with can of Chunky Chicken Noodle Soup (240 calories). A cup of coffee with cream and splenda (80-100 calories) -also had a half a cup in the morning, not even sure if I finished this one either. For dinner, around 8pm, I had a piece in a half of whiting fish (110 calories) and two helpings of mixed vegetables. My goal is to eat no more after this, only having some diet soda and water. I want to start weening off diet soda, and get away from craving sweet things.
Total Calorie Count: 1000-1200 calories
Physical Activity: None
Monday, January 4, 2010
Monday, January 4th, 2010
For the first day of my news years , my day in food went as follows:
Woke at 12:30pm, ate brunch around 2pm at Applebees with Mom. Had a Caesar Salad and half a Turkey Club Sandwich with a Diet Pepsi. Nothing again until 7ish when I had dinner. Ate two bowls of a shrimp, brown rice dish my mom made. Its 1am now, I plan to sleep at 3am and will have nothing but some soda and water.
reflection: good start, achieved goal of no night snacking or between meal snacking. Made appointment to see a counselor, and tomorrow plan to make my first appointment to train with Leo next week. Should start getting better sleep at better hours. I see an endocrinologist tomorrow about my thyroid. Nervous, anxious.
Woke at 12:30pm, ate brunch around 2pm at Applebees with Mom. Had a Caesar Salad and half a Turkey Club Sandwich with a Diet Pepsi. Nothing again until 7ish when I had dinner. Ate two bowls of a shrimp, brown rice dish my mom made. Its 1am now, I plan to sleep at 3am and will have nothing but some soda and water.
reflection: good start, achieved goal of no night snacking or between meal snacking. Made appointment to see a counselor, and tomorrow plan to make my first appointment to train with Leo next week. Should start getting better sleep at better hours. I see an endocrinologist tomorrow about my thyroid. Nervous, anxious.
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